Wednesday 18 June 2014

Month #2

 

Month 2
14th May to 18th June

So I've reached the end of my 2nd month. Wow time has literally flown by. I can't believe I've been in recovery for 2 whole months, I never thought that would be possible. Looking back at how I was 8 weeks ago, or even 4 weeks ago, how much I've changed & progressed. It's amazing but in a terrifying way. Watching my body change before my eyes, slowly seeing my life coming back together.
Sometimes I wake up & I'm so happy with the way I'm progressing, growing my curves back. I feel confident & full of life. But then others I go back to being in that dark place again & all I can think of is restricting, getting back to my lowest weight. Wanting to hide away & starve myself again as the voices in my head are so loud. I've had a fair few breakdowns to my mum & boyfriend about this. But every time they know exactly what to say & give me the much needed kick up the ass to realise how far I've come & how much better I am now. I don't want to go back to being ill & dead behind my eyes again. I want my life back.
I'm finding it hard to see my body getting bigger & accepting I'm never going to be a skinny minnie. That's not my natural shape. I'm naturally curvy & muscley, so I'm fighting a losing battle to stay skinny. I need to accept I can't be skinny without being unhealthy. I can't have both. So I chose health. There is nothing wrong at all with my natural body shape at all, I know it's only my ED that's telling me it's wrong. So I'm slowly learning to embrace my curves & love them. It's going to take me a LONG time & I probably never will love them completely; but as long as I accept them & feel comfortable then that's good enough for me.
It's hard seeing my bones disappear, not having visible ribs or spine anymore. Not having such a big thigh gap, not being able to wrap my thumb & pinky finger around my bicep anymore. They were like a security blanket. I'm no longer the skinniest in the room; it feels like I've lost my identity. For so long I was 'Steph, the one with the eating disorder'. Now I'm just Steph. I feel like I've lost my purpose. But I'm finding a new purpose. To be fit & healthy, to be able to enjoy my life without worry. To live completely ED free. That's my new aim, not to be the skinniest girl in a room but be the healthiest & happiest.
Food wise I'm still sticking to my 3 meals a day. That's getting a lot easier to keep up, it's now feeling comfortable eating regularly again. I've also tried a couple of new foods which I challenged myself with. On a couple of my worst days, where all I wanted to do was restrict & my head was screaming at me to starve, I thought fuck you I'm not going to starve myself; I'm going to do the opposite & treat myself to whatever I fancy. I fancied some spaghetti hoops, so I went out & bought some & had them for my lunch. I hadn't had them in years & I was literally sweating while eating them but I did it! And I enjoyed every mouthful. Did I feel like crap after? Yes, but I felt so good for fighting my ED urges. Learning that moderating is key to being healthy. Yes spaghetti hoops aren't the most nutritious, but who cares. They were damn tastey so win. On another bad day I did the same, I was craving good old baked beans for a couple of days so I thought why the hell not. Am I going to starve myself? No, I'll treat myself instead. It took me over an hour to buy them but I eventually blocked my head out & got them. Omg it was so worth it, I havn't had beans since pre ED & they were always a fav. Can't believe I've missed them for all these years. I also tried some butternut squash & corn on the cob in some M&S vegetable skewers, I've avoided them as for some reason they made me think of carbs. I also craved some rice pudding so had some as a night snack mixed with some fruit & pb2 powder. Oh heaven.
Some days are harder than others with food but I'm slowly getting used to seeing food as fuel, that it's no the enemy.
The exersice side is going amazingly. I've switched my programme with my PT from strength to hypotrophy to build lean muscle. Every session I'm upping my weights & I'm PR'ing on so many things now. It's such a boost to keep upping the weights, reps/sets & adding drop sets/supersets etc to keep the programme developing. I can see such a big improvement in my muscles, seeing them grow & tone. Sometimes my head says they're fat but I block it out.
I've upped my cardio to 20 mins now; 10 warm up & 10 cool down. I'm very contious not to up it anymore than that as I know it will stop my progress & not benefit me in my goals. Sometimes I have to fight with my ED side wanting to up it & get back to doing over an hour but I always make sure I don't. Mainly out of bordem as I get bored very quickly. How I managed to last sometimes 2 hours + every day is beyond me! Now I make sure to do only 20 mins but keep it fairly high intensity now rather than steady state. Like HIIT on the treadmill or with circuits. So much more benefitial for me & I actually enjoy it.
 
So roll on month 3 :)
New challenges & keeping my progress up. I will not give up. My life is worth fighting for. It might take me a while but I will get there; I will be happy & healthy again. Not just for me; but for my family & friends. They've been through enough with me & I hate seeing them worry & get upset. It's not fair so I will not let them down. I want them to enjoy my company ratehr than dread it.
Here's to another positive month! :D

Progress photo:
Left at my lowest weight
Right now
 
 
Love

1 comment:

  1. Stumbled across this on Twitter. I'm fighting back tears -- such beautiful words and strength! I am so indescribably happy that you are fighting for yourself. You are wonderful and amazing and you are worth fighting for. Keep your head up!

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