Week #4

7th -14th May

Week 4 (1 month)

Omg I've hit the 1 month mark! I never thought I'd manage this far, after all the stress the previous weeks & wanting to give up the fact I've actually made it a whole month is amazing for me. Couldn't be more proud of myself!

This week I've had the usual stress of thinking I'm over indulging/eating too much etc but I'm getting better at ignoring those eating disorder thoughts now so it's slowly getting much easier.

The one main thing this week that's changed has been my appitite. Oh my days it's come back in full force. I'm constantly hungry all the time, no joke. I know it's just my body panicing & wanting lots of food incase I start to starve it again so I'm just going to have to get used to it for a while until it settles down. I have increased my calorie intake by adding some snacks & protien shakes during the day to keep my hunger at bay but I'm making sure not to just binge for the sake of it. I'm making sure to fuel myself with healthy, decent quality, nutritious foods to best keep my body running. I'm loving how much more energy I have now. It's the little things like being able to run up the stairs again or being able to walk around the shops with my mum without passing out from lack of energy. I'm also starting to be able to sit on a chair without the need for a padded cushion to stop my ass bones sticking out & hurting! I think this means my bum is slowlystarting to grow, so fingers crossed!! Things like this other people take for granted. Next time you sit on a chair savouir the moment of not needing an embarassing little cushion to sit on like an old woman! When I can bin it, that will be a good day.

When me & my PT were having a chat after our session he mentioned he liked 'Quark' It's a cheese thathas a very high protien content; similar to cottage cheese. He said to tryit so I sent my mum off to find me some. After she spend hours in our sainsburys looking & having to get assistance (oh dear haha) she found some. I tried some on a spoon first; it tastes & lookes just like greek yoghurt. I now add it to my omlettes & sauces to up my protien levels to help build my muscles.

I also had a lush afternoon out with my boyfriend going shopping & to the cinema. We went to go see 'Bad Neighbours' but for some reason I said 'The other women' when buying the tickets so we ended up seeing that film instead. Stupid me! It was such a good film though so I wasn't disappointed. My boyfriend bought a cornetto to eat in the cinema & he held it out & offered me a lick. Normally I would have recoiled in horror & refused but I thought 'Fuck it' & licked it before I had time to think. We both just sort of looked at each other in surprise as it's the first time I've had ice cream in 2+ years & neitheer of us were expecting me to actually lick it. He just gave me a high 5 & we carried on watching the film. It might seem so small to everyone else, it's only a little lick of ice cream after all but to me it's a massive step & I was on a high for ages after! My biggest achievement this week.

Exersice this week has been going from strength from strength, literally! I've increased all my weights in all my workouts & I'm now able to had extra sets & supersets as my stregth has increased so much. Lee is over the moon at my progress, considering it's only been a month after all! I've also gained a bit more weight; which is a little scary as I'm now also able to see I'm also gaining inches as well. This was my biggest fear was seeing actual size gain in the mirror. It's only little but to someone with eating disorder thougths then any size gain, even mm gain is a massive stress. My worst feature for me is my legs & my happiness was relient on the gap between my thighs. Sad & pathetic I know but I constantly check it & the size of my thighs. So this week when I can see the gap slightly decreasing was a sickening moment but I thought to myself 'Grow up Steph, does your life depend on a gap between your thighs? No. Does it make you any better? No. Does Beyonce have a thigh gap? NO!' I'd still like slim, toned legs but to get my ass back then I need to lose the thigh gap & if my choice is either a curvy, toned ass Vs skinny, boney, noodle legs with a gap then it's no contest! Bring back the ass!!

My arms & especially my shoulders are starting to really noticably gain muscle as well so hopefully in the next few weeks or month I'll actually have some decent littlebiceps! :)

So this week has been a massive success & I couldn't be more proud of myself for getting this far. It might only be a little mile stone but for me it's massive.

From now on I'm only going to do either fortnight or monthy update posts.

Week 4 achievements:

• Trying quark
• Having my first try of ice cream in years!
• Increasing all my weights in the gym
• Gaining some muscle weight
• Starting to see my ass return & my arms/shoulders gain in size #Gains
• Having so much more energy during the day to go out & actually enjoy myself

Month 2 goals

•  Start my new programe with Lee (hypertrophy)
• See my ass grow a bit more
• Start to accept my self worth doesn't revolve around my thigh gap
• Try & at least think about adding in some proper carbs like sweet potato for muscle strength
• Smile more & compare myself less to others. Be happy with my own body
• Increase my shoulder press weight (weakest area)

Love

 

Week #3

30th April to 7th May

Week 3

So week 3 ticked off. I'd like to say I've found this week better than week 2 but I haven't.

I've still been having my panicky moments but I know what's triggering them now. Whenever I eat & then get full after; the feeling of being satisfied/full is so unnatural & scary for me that it makes me panic I'm eating to much. My body has been starving 24/7 for the past 2 years so I can't remember the last time I was 'full'. But I'm hoping that when my head gets used to the feeling again & it knows it's not a bad thing. Just that my bodies fuel tank it properly full; which is good!

I've still been having my 3 meals; & even adding in some snacks here & there like a protien shake or nakd bar. At first this made me a bit uncomfortable as I already feel like I'm eating all the time but I know if my body feels hungry then I should feed it.

My mum made some quorn & veg meat balls for me that I've been having for my dinner with lots of salad. I was so nervous about these as well as I've always seen meatballs as a big, meaty, full of fat dish. But these were clean, home made meat balls & Oh My Days they were sooooo amazing. I had to stop myself eating them all in one go! So another new food to add to the list!

I also tried some Metcalfs Skinny Topcorn from the college cafe. I have always wanted to try them & would literally be drooling at them all the time so I thought 'F*** it, I'm gonna get some!' I tried the sweet chilli ones; heaven in my mouth haha Definatley be trying some more!

The exercise side I think I'm really progressing on. I'm actually listening to my body now & I've made sunday my official rest day. Which I don't get panicky over at all anymore. I know that for my muscles & strength to build then I need a rest so I'm actually loving having a lie in for once on a sunday morning! My old teenage laziness is coming back!

I've increased mostt of my weights again this week so I'm on a high from that still :) I'll be lifting heavy in no time!

Me & Lee have also adapted my programme this week by adding a few more sets, new exercises & adding supersets as he felt my strength had increased enough. Ohh yeahhh!

My auntie came up this weekend so me & mum had a chat with her about everything as she always seems to know the right things to say & might be able to help guide me in the right direction. I may have had a little cry (I was feeling emotional haha) but it did really helped. She gives such good advise & it was nice to hear someone elses point of view & ideas on everything My aunties such a strong, amazing person herself & I've always really looked up to her & value everything she says. Knowing I have her behind me as well gives me yet more motivation to keep going. I wrote a post on a thankyou to my mum (Linked here); so if I could become a mixture of my mum & my auntie when I get older then I would be one amazing person trust me!

A few more people have commented on how 'good' I look this week. But they were raendom people who don't know about any of my problems so wouldn't be like 'expecting' eto see a difference. My college tutor said he'd seen a real boost in my mood & I looked so much happier & full of life. Then the lady behind the counter in in the college cafe said I was looking really well & beautiful lately which was really nice of her. I love these sorts of complements as I know I'm going in the right direction & they're not the standard 'hot, sexy' etc complements that are only focusing on appearance & superficial things. I'd rather be healthy & happy than have a 'perfect face & body.'

Bring on Week 4 & my 1 month mark!

Week 3 achievements:

• Adding some healthy snacks
• Trying some snack popcorn
• Upping my weights & adapting my programme to make it more challenging
• I actually managed to take part in a practice circuit in my college lesson; when normally I'd have sat out with an excuse because I had no energy

Week 4 goals:

• Try adding a snack most days
• Try more new foods
• Keep joining in with college lessons rather than sit out with an excuse
• Try & have some 'me' time & have baths/face masks etc again 

Love

Don't be afraid to gain!

Don't be afraid to gain!

One of the main fears I had about getting better & eating again was obviously the weight gain. I was so foucused on wanting to loose weight before & for the past 2+ years I had been used to seeing the scales going down, so the thought of having them go up was absolutely terrifying! I'm sure most women will agree with me the fear of the scales. I thought weight gain was going to equal fat gain & that was the last thing I wanted. I needed to become comfortable with seeing those numbers going up & be comfortable with it. I know I needed to gain weight to bring my healthy back & I didn't want any eating disorder thoughts of 'weight gain = BAD' stopping my progress & making me relapse.

Now firstly anyone who has had an eating disorder & has been basically 'starving' their body needs to know that when you first start eating again you will not gain any weight, or barely any. All the food you eat will go straight to your organs as they have been basically eating themselves for however long, so they will be using up every little bit of food/energy you give them to help run your body.

For the first couple of weeks of eating again I found I only gained maybe a kg. I was so confused by this as I felt like I was eating enough food for a king! I kept waiting to wake up one moring & have ballooned several stone! I now know that all the food I was eating was fueling my poor starving organs as they had been running on empty for years & were burning through everything I gave them.

However the next week or so I started to see a more steady rise in weight as I slowly increased my calorie intake by adding a few snacks & protien shakes to fuel my muscles. The weight gain may be slow but it's constant & everytime I stood on the scales it made me feel sick to see the increase every time. I was so used to getting on & seeing the line go down, but now it was just going up & up. I felt so fat & disgusting, like I could see myself ballooning even though I know I was being stupid & it was only the horrible eating disorder thoughts trying to drag me back down. But I stayed strong & tried to think of ways not to fear the scales going up. I tried to think of every kg gain as a happy point.

So the more weight I gain; the more happy points I earn!

I also tried to think of a list of all the other things I'm gaining as I gain weight. For anyone else struggling with something similar I really suggest you make your own list as I found it helped me so much!

Here's some of my list for anyone curious:

1. Happines
2. Positivety as I feel I can now take on the world with my new energy! I am invinsible
3. Confidence as I no longer look like an ill skeleton; but I can now see my little muscles beginning to grow!
4. Days out as I no longer feel stressed & wanting to remove myself from all food scenarios. I can go out for the day with my mum or the cinema with my boyfriend or a girly catch up over coffee with friends without having my mind constantly on food/calories. Being able to sit & be content as I'm not starving & feeling twitchy anymore.
5. I'll be able to go on holiday again as I no longer feel the horrible independance on the gym & am maybe able to eat out (unknown calories etc)
6. Simple things like having the energy now to run up the stairs or walk around shops without feeling like I'm going to fall apart from lack of energy.
7. Being able to sit on a chair! Simple bliss! It's no longer so horribly uncomfortable from my ass bones sticking out.
8. Strength to lift weights in the gym. There is no better beast feeling than lifting a new PB & seeing my tiny, none existant muscles beginning to appear.
9. Being able to concentrate for the first time in ages. I can now carry on with my college course & be able to put all my effort into it again as my mind isn't so clouded by eating disorder thoughts.
10. Being able to wear actual ladies clothes rather than childrens! 

So for anyone struggling with seeing that dreaded gain; DO NOT PANIC!

Keep gaining those happy points & smile :)

 

Love

Week #2

23rd - 30th April

Week 2

Week 2 done!

I  have found this week so much harder than the first one. I think I was so excited & on a high last week that I sort of floated through in a dream. It didn't seem real. But now this second week it's hit me more & I'm actually realising how hard this is going to be. I was so confident in week 1 but I've had a few moments this week when I've lost all motivation & really struggled. But I'm here, starting week 3 & I'm not about to give up now!

Food side I've really struggled with. A few times when I've felt so overly full; (my stomach is still so small that I get full very easily); I've paniced that I'm over eating & gone back to the counting calories again in my head. Disappointingly I've thought I just want to give up & crossing my mind to cut down on food the next day to compensate but I have stayed strong! I normally only get these thoughts when I'm in bed on a night & my mind runs wild; but by the morning & I've had a nights rest to calm down I'm fine. Ready to start a new day with happy, positive thoughts!

 

I think one of the reasons why I've been so stressed is because I've felt so much more pressure this week. Mainily off a few people who I wont name as it's unfair & not their fault but it's still really affected me. I found that I'm being rushed to quickly to be 'back to normal' again; it's only week 2 after all & I'm still finding it so hard with such a long way to go. It will take me probably years to fully recover so expecting me to be back to normal & see changes after only 7 days is insane. It makes me feel guilty that you can't see any physical or proper mental change yet; I feel like I'm not trying hard enough even though I know I'm putting my everything into this.

However the exersice part is more postive. I've found even after just a week I have been upping some of the weights in my programme. Meaning I'm actually gaining strength with I'm so happy with!! Finally! Especially on my upper body workouts; I am over the moon that I'm gaining there as my arms are my weakest & worst point as they have no muscle mass there at all. So onwards & upwards!

I also felt brave enough to try another new food this week. This time it was a real fear food; or I should say drink as I always avoided liquid calories before. I thought I'd try a Vita Coco drink as I know the electrolytes are supposed to be good for after workouts. It was actually really nice; not what I was expecting though. Another thing to tick off my list :)

A few people like my mum & boyfriend have said I'm starting to look really well, not so tired & I have actual colour/life in my face again. So I know that not many 'gains' will be seen for a while but the fact that I'm looking healthier already is a real boost.

So bring on week 3! Hopefully I'll be able to control these low points better.

 

Week 2 achievements

• Tried a new fear food (Liquid calories)
• Upped my weights in my programme
• A few days felt confident enough to up my calories with a snack 

Week 3 goals

• Try some more new foods
• Add some more exercises to my programme with Lee
• Up the weights even more!
• Not panic as much

Love

Week #1

16th - 23rd April Week 1

Well I have made it through my first week! It went suprisingly okay considering my whole life was getting flipped upside down.

On the first few days I found it hard not to do my usual constantly counting up calories to the exact amount in my head & panic when I didn't know the exact amount & think I'm over eating but now that I'm at the end of the week I feel now I'm slightly more relaxed about it & not as regiment. I can just tally up a 'rough' amount in my head, which means I'm still doing it but hopefully as the weeks progress & I gain the confidence I'll be able to do this less & less. Then finally stop all together!

The food side I knew would be easier than the exercise part. Before I was only eating one small meal at the end of the day; which even then I was only 'allowed' if I did my 1hr 20 minutes of cardio that morning. So my first challenge was to make sure I started to have 3 regular meals throughout the day. Doesn't matter how small or whatever, just get myself used to having 3 meals again & fueling myself throughout the day. A couple of times I found myself a bit bloated & over full; but I completely expected that as my body was getting used to actually having food & re adjusting to not starving. It was nothing overly uncomfortable & went within a few hours so I just had to grit & bear it.

I find now that I'm getting regular food I'm so much more relaxed in my head as well. Like before I would be sat constantly worrying about how many calories I was consuming, how many minutes I had left before I was 'allowed' to eat, how I could burn off those calories, how I could get out of all situations that may have the possibility of having food involved (even tv adverts!) etc. I was always so fidgety, couldn't concentrate & oh my god the grumpy moods I had! I was a nightmare to be around. My poor boyfriend had a lot to deal with! Now I feel so much more alert & awake; like a fog in my head has been lifted. I'm much more positive & happy now in general. I even tried some new foods this week. I felt comfortable enough to try a banana with my yogurt & some home made risotto. Before I would have avoided the banana at all costs due to the high carb & sugar content; the thought of them made me shudder but I thought I'd try mashing it with some cinimon & adding it into some fat free greek yoghurt to begin with so I wasn't so over welmed. And oh my god it was so good so I've been having this as a regular breakfast now. I'd also have avoided the risotto as it's carbs again but it was a home made simple risotto recipe with lots of veg so I thought I'd be brave & try it. Mouthgasm is the only word for it. So I'm so proud of myself for being brave & trying them; especially in the first week as well!

However the exercise side I knew would be harder & not as easy as the food. Letting go of my OCD daily 1hr 20 minutes of hard cardio would be a horrible struggle. But I think I had pushed my body & mind so far with it that I was so ready for a change. I hated doing the cardio but I was forcing myself to do it due to my OCD with it. But when I spoke to Lee about my new programme I was so excited to get started on the weights; I knew I needed to give up my cardio for my health & sanity. I still love cario like running; especially outdoors in the fresh air. Thats where I feel in my element so hopefully when I begin to gain my strength back then I can start to add some running back into my programme. Maybe in time for summer; as I'd love to be able to go on runs down the old railway lines in the sun. Perfection. Something to aim for!

But I absolutley love doing the weights. Why I'd taken so long to try them is beyond me! Girls if you don't lift, then start now! Trust me the feeling of actual good muscle burn & that strong/proud feeling when you increase the weight & complete that last rep! Such an addictive feeling. I now leave the gym feeling like a beast! Rather than crawling out almost in tears at how tired, dead & ill I was. I can't wait to build my strength up again & actually have some guns!

Another think I knew I'd have to bite the bullet & do was start listening to my body & have rest days. Due to my OCD I 'had' to go to the gym everyday. No matter what. If I didn't I'd be in tears as I felt so sick & stressed. But I know for my muscles to recover & grow then I'd have to let them rest.

So on the sunday when I got up I could feel all my muscles ached so I knew I should have a well deserved rest day. I felt so nervous about it on the morning as it was my first ever rest day in like 2 years. But by lunchtime I had relaxed a lot. I went out to the garden centre with my mum & I think that helped me as it was the act of just leaving the house/getting fresh air & I didn't feel so lazy & inactive. My body definatley thanked me for it though so it was worth it. Another thing I'm so proud of!

It's been a struggle having to switch from a 'losing' mentality to a 'gaining' one but I'll get there! Bring on the gains!

I have so much more energy, so much more motivation & so much more positivity. So week one is an amazing success!

Roll on Week 2! :)

I hope I can carry on being this strong & brave.

Week 1 achievements:

• Trying banana & risotto
• Being comfortable enough to have a rest day
• Completing my first upper body workout!

 Week 2 goals:

• Stick to having 3 regular meals a day
• Try a new food
• Maintain the weights in my workouts but try to increase on some 

Love

My Story...

Since this is my first 'Recovery' post I thought it best to start at the beginning & explain a bit about my journey so far.

I've always struggled with my appearance, especially my figure. Growing up I was always the tall & slim one. I did activities every night of the week; like gymnastics, horse riding, dancing, net ball etc so I was always so fit & healthy. I ate what I wanted, but I never had a 'bad' diet though. My mum would make healthy meals for us but if I wanted a chocolate bar or packet of crisps then I would have one without a second thought. My mums friends would comment all the time on how beautiful my figure was, how athletic & fit I was.

But when I was in year 8 at school I obviously hit the dreaded puberty stage. I got the standard spots & greasy hair, but I also got the curves. Going from someone who was always slim & athletic to being very curvy with hips, big thighs, bum & boobs was so surreal & uncomfortable for me. I hated it. No matter how many times people said I had the perfect curvy figure I just couldn't see it & I was desperately unhappy with how I looked. When you're a teenager with all the pressure of these perfect celebrity figures forced down our throats at every opportunity, boys comments & other girls/friends going on 'diets'; you become so much more aware of your figure & appearance but not in a good way.

I did all the typical 'teenage diets' of telling everyone you're on a diet of salad but it only lasting a day or 2 before you caved. Nothing ever serious. So even though I was unhappy with my figure I was to lazy to do anything about it; but because I was still doing activities most nights I burnt through the junk food I ate so calories were never really a problem for me at that point.

However when I quit gymnastics & started going out with my friends more then I stopped all forms of exercise/activities so my junk food caught up with me as I was no longer burning it off. I never gained a lot of weight but I had a lots of fat. By this I do not mean I was fat, full stop. I mean my muscle to fat ratio was very off. I lost all my muscle & it got replaced by fat. So even though I looked around the same size in clothes, without I had lots of cellulite & I wobbled. It wasn't nice & I remember many nights crying about my figure. But I never knew how to go about changing it, I lacked the motivation. I would wear leggings & clothes that covered everything up in the summer because I was to self conscious to wear shorts/skirts etc. I hated it, I'd look at other girls in actual summer clothes & think I wish I was confident like them to be able to wear what I want & look good.

So after Christmas in 2012 I decided I was going to actually make a change. I had a boyfriend at the time who was at the gym almost every night so I would go up there to see him. I thought while I'm up there waiting for him to finish then I might as well go in the gym & do a work out to kill the time. I also started eating healthier, cutting out junk & generally making healthier food choices. I was doing it the correct healthy way, but when I started seeing results it got addictive. I became obsessed with seeing the weight drop off & would look for the fastest way to get those results. So I slowly cut down on everything I was eating until it was as low as 500 or less calories at the end & did endless cardio for hours. I got thinner & thinner but because in my head I was still 'eating', just very healthy food (basically only lettuce & broccoli) & exercising I thought what I was doing was still classed as 'healthy'. I couldn't see my OCD with weighing food, doing exactly 1hr 20minutes cardio every day & only eating salad foods was very unhealthy.

When people commented on my size or expressed concern I got angry because in my head I couldn't see a problem & I would become even more obsessed. I wouldn't eat anything I hadn't weighed or had calorie counted exactly, I couldn't think straight until I'd done my 1hr 20 minutes exactly of cardio. It was stealing my life away. I'd avoid all situations that might evolve food, like family meals/days out etc. I basically shut myself in my room & only left to go to the gym on a morning then come back & sleep as I had no energy to do anything else. I was killing myself but I had become so obsessed I didn't know how to get myself out of the endless loop.
I had made 'heathy' into 'unhealthy'

Then one saturday I was out at the cinema with my boyfriend & we took a random selfie while we were waiting for the film to start; being silly. But when I looked at it I was literally floored at how sick & like dead I looked. I was the spitting image of an old woman, with no colour or life in her face. My eyes were just black & lifeless. I just wanted to cry there & then but that started me off thinking; yeah I need to make some change here. Then that night I just hit rock bottom. I had never felt so dead in my life; I literally just wanted to die as I had never felt so helpless, depressed & weak. I knew then I couldn't carry on. I was not happy. I just wanted my life back. My mum was always breaking down nightly, I was getting questioned & pulled up on by so many people expressing serious concern, the doctors were harassing me to come in for endless tests as they were so concerned. I just thought of my future, living every day the same. Living a depressed, isolated life in constant pain & weakness. I couldn't face it. I just knew I was killing myself; it hit me like a train. I could suddenly see how disgustingly skinny I was & how unhealthy my OCD was becoming. I knew I had to either man up & get better or carry on & die.
I also came across Ella Crouch's blog 'Eating my way out of this disorder' that night as well which I'm going to be honest; it was the one thing that pushed me over the edge to get better. What she had gone through was exactly the same as me & I knew I wanted to get better in the same way with proper healthy eating & exercise. I saw how amazingly strong she was & how well she was doing with her recovery that I thought 'if she has the strength to do it, then so can I'
She looks absolutley amazing & only keeps improving as she gets further in her recovery & I thought I just want to get better like her. She seems so much happier; she's got her life back & I want mine back too!
I knew I didn't want to go down the doctors/counselling route; being a statistic & number on a screen didn't interest me & I knew I wouldn't get better that way. I wanted to get a proper exercise programme to help me build my muscles & strength back up & eat proper, healthy, nutritious food to fuel my body. I wanted to be the new Jodie Marsh!
So I bit the bullet & asked my gym manager Lee Graham to help me out. I trusted him & I told him my problem, asking for his help & guidance on what I should be doing. I never expected him to actually train me as I knew it could risky & damaging for him but amazingly he did & we designed a programme for me. I literally owe him so much for helping me as I'd have been clueless without his assistance & courage. He believed in me so I found I could believe in myself too.
I also sat with my mum & wrote out a proper eating plan; with some pointers from Lee on what things I should be eating to best fuel & build my body back up.
So that's where I am now! Beginning this journey to recovery.
Getting not only my body back; but my life :)

Love